Stephen Pile writes in The Book of Heroic Failures, “History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital punishment, he was reprieved.
The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each occasion failed to get the trap door open.
In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted Lee’s sentence to “life” imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated to America and lived until 1933.”

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Web site hosting for anybody: $10/month and up
Threatening letters to people who satirize you, hoping they won’t know the law: $500
Reputation as giant corporation required to intimidate small publishers: $billions
Supreme court decisions protecting parody and satire from accusations of copyright and trademark infringement… Priceless
There are some rights money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Mastercard’s lawyers.

One of the most spectacular events [at Western Winter Blast ‘96] was the Anvil Firing. Yes. Anvils. Small ones, 95 pounders. Shooting. Into the air. About 30 feet or so. The two gentlemen who were showing off explained that they were reviving an old tradition: back in the gold rush days, miners would test their powder by shooting anvils. It evolved into something of a competition. Maybe that was true, or perhaps the miners just needed to burn off some excess testosterone. Either way, here’s what the revivalists did…”

You answer the door before people knock. / Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. / You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear./ Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. / Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and paintball.

Advertising: A girl walks up to a guy at a party and says, “I’m really good in bed. Let’s Go!”
Marketing: A girl walks up to a guy at a party and says, “I’m really good in bed. What are you interested in?”
Public Relations: A guy walks up to a girl at a party and says, “So, I hear you’re really good in bed…” is designed and intended solely for organisms high enough in the food chain to appreciate the beauty of wanton marine life and hardcore crustacea.
The materials available on this website include graphic visual depiction’s and descriptions of a fishy nature.
The site should NOT be accessed by spawn, whitebait, sprats, winkles, or anyone who may find this material offensive.

Another good HUT prank involved park benches in Helsinki. I don’t remember what year this was, but the story goes somewhat like this:

A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous.

< ahref="" target="_new"> - where you can find your own nursery photo online. It took us two years of researching public records to collect over 172,000,000 nursery photos - the pictures taken of newborn babies at over 98% of hospitals and medical centers. Mandated by federal guidelines, local municipalities must keep photos of all newborns in their public records - and we’ve brought them all online for public viewing. We have the cutest baby pictures ever found in one database - all available for your easy search and retrieval. After you find your own you can check out your family members, friends and colleagues.

Andrew Freiberger (via email) writes, “I’m driving down the road to work this morning and what did I see, but a circa late 70s early 80s rusted out Chevy truck complete with dualies and all…so, I’m thinking, “who the hell drives something that shitty looking and gas guzzling”….I pull up close behind at the next light…the plates?
U.S. Government
EPA 521″

Samuel John Kass has invented a new variation of Rock, Scissors, Paper, called Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard.


Pekin, IL c.1999

The Ten Commandments of E-mail:
- Thou shalt include a clear and specific subjectline.
- Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
- Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
- Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
- Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
- Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
- Thou shalt not forward any chain letter (Am I guilty…?).
- Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
- Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
- When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
of the dawn.

And, here’s the “Golden Rule” of e-mail:
- That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto

I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think it’s the best place in
the world to eat.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make
waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money ’cause you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on
Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew
were your colors, the addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes,
but it didn’t bother you because you didn’t know what you didn’t
know, and you didn’t care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym,
and field trips.

I want to be happy because I don’t know what should make me upset.

I want to think the world is fair, and everyone in it is
honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I
was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons,
starving and abused kids, and unhappy marriages.

I want to be six again.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live
forever because I don’t know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life, and be
overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something
I use for escape from the things I should be doing.

I want to live knowing the little things I find exciting will
always make me as happy as when I first learned them.

I want to be six again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being
aware of only the things that directly concerned me.

I want to be naive enough to think that if I’m happy, so is
everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand
beneath my feet, and the possibility of finding that blue piece
of sea glass I’m looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my
bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist, and
how to find the money to fix the car.

I want to wonder what I’ll do when I grow up, not worry what
I’ll do if this doesn’t work out.

I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape.
So that when my computer crashes, I have a mountain of paperwork,
two depressed friends, or second thoughts about so many things,
I can travel back and build a snowman without thinking about
anything except whether the snow sticks together. What I can
possibly use for the snowman’s mouth?

I want to be six again

— author unknown

You walk into a room, and finding that it has more then 23 people, you inform the management that there is an error. / You find yourself tilting your head when you smile. / Your AOL bill is more than your phone bill. / When laughing, you find yourself saying “LOL” outloud. / You get more e-mail than snail mail.

“An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!” (via email)

The newly remodeled computer room at the New Mexico Tech Computer Center featured an all-stop button right behind the door, so that if you opened the door too hard, the button was pressed. The button has since been moved.

Roses by Liz Ott

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I like llamas
And you do too!

(GP) Last Modified:
Sun Mar 26 02:49:13 CST 1995

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