net127

Rob, from Hollywood, via BoingBoing, writes:

This reminds me of a story I know I’m going to regret telling, but here goes: Quite a few years ago I was passing through New York for some reason or another, and one night I went out bar-hopping with a couple friends. We stumbled out of the last bar around 3am, drunk and giddy, laughing and tripping as we walked back towards our hotel. On the way we passed a porno store, which aside from the occasional pizza place was the only thing open at 3am. I’m not sure why - I think one of my friends wanted to buy a magazine - but we went in, and annoyed the shop’s patrons by picking up every ridiculous sex toy and laughing about it loudly. The most absurd thing we found was a large plastic beer can - meant to look like “Coors Light,” or something, but much larger - and when you unscrewed the cap at the top, there was a latex vagina inside, that you were meant to stick your dick in and fuck the can. Well, not really “fuck” the can, exactly, but masturbate with it. Same concept as the Japanese ones, but more elaborate. In fact, this is pretty much exactly what it was.

So of course we have to buy the beer can vagina, because we’re drunk and it’s funny, and we figure we’ll find some entertaining unintended use for it. So we paid for it and continued on our merry way back to the hotel. Once there we said our goodbyes and retired to our rooms, and I realized that somehow I’d gotten stuck carrying the bag from the sex store. I set it down on the desk and didn’t think much about it. That is, for a few minutes, until I found myself sitting on the bed in my hotel room, drunk and lonely and sexually frustrated, and I kept staring over at that stupid beer can vagina. “Maybe I should just try it. Just see what it feels like…” I mean, why not, right? You know. Just for kicks, right? So you know what? I fucked it. Yeah. I fucked a plastic beer can. I fucked the shit out of that can. And you know what? It felt alright. It did the trick. That is, until it was all over. Until the moment after, when I was hit by a sobering freight train of humility, looking down at my dick stuck inside a latex vagina housed in a plastic beer can. Moments like that you start to question everything - “How the hell did it come to this? Who am I? What am I doing with my life?” I probably sat there for an hour, silently with my plastic lover, pondering my existence.

The next morning, when the subject of the previous night came up and someone said, “oh, where’s that funny beer can thing we got? Rob, you had it, right?” And everyone looks at me, and I just stare at them for a moment, and then say, “…I fucked it. I fucked it and I hated myself, and now it’s gone.” There was a slight pause, followed by uproarious laughter. The ridicule took months to subside.