You answer the door before people knock. / Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. / You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When…

  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  • You speed walk in your sleep.
  • You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers
    are good in the sack.”

  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You just completed another sweater and you don’t know
    how to knit.

  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
    without using the timer.

  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
  • You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse
    and you don’t even work there.

  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
    margaritas.

  • You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • Cocaine is a downer.
  • All your kids are named “Joe”.
  • You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you
    realize it’s not plugged in.

  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  • You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
  • People can test their batteries in your ears.
  • Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the
    last drop.”

  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of
    eternity in a coffee can.

  • You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  • You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  • You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  • You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  • You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  • You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  • Your Thermos is on wheels.
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You have a conniption over spilled milk.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  • You don’t tan, you roast.
  • You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
  • Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before,
    coffee during and coffee after.

  • Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass
    of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

  • You can’t even remember your second cup.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  • You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  • You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an
    I.V. hookup.